I heard today at the comic book shop that a man had been arrested for molesting a dolphin.

I'm appalled. Doesn’t a man have a right to molest a dolphin? Isn’t that the most basic right a person could have in America?

I’m serious.

How dare someone impose human morality on animals. How do we know that dolphin didn’t consent? So someone touched a dolphin in a sexual way -- sexual to humans. Interpreted by humans. I don’t think it’s a crime until that dolphin comes down and files a police report.

"I rub my genitals in tuna and climb into a dolphin tank. I love that smooth snout, frictionless, sliding away in the water. I love that blowhole with its surprise jets of air. ‘Put your finger in my blowhole.’ How dare you say I molested a dolphin -- I didn’t do anything; he was doing all the work. So I happened to immerse my unit in tuna before I went for a swim. So what? He molested me."

This is such bullshit, that a man would be arrested for molesting a dolphin.

The folks at the comic shop think I’m kidding. That it’s funny. And I’m having fun with it -- admittedly. "What a man and his dolphin do in the privacy of their own home is their own business." But it’s true. Hey, that dolphin wanted it. How do we know? I mean, really, how do we know what goes on between a man and a dolphin. Now, the folks at the comic shop think I’m a joy to have around because I’m always responding to conversation like this. There’s an energy to comic shops and a lack of borders about saying what’s acceptable and what’s not, what’s crazy and what’s not. And I love that. But they’re memorizing my lines, writing them down, shouting that I’m Grant Morrison, a brilliantly weird comic book writer whose upcoming mini-series, The Filth, will feature cybernetic dolphins. And I don’t mind being a mini-celebrity. But I’m not kidding.

Someone says the dolphin didn’t consent. So what? "So if I pick up a snail," I blurt, gesturing as if I’m holding a snail between my fingers, "should I be brought up on kidnapping charges because it didn’t consent?"

Forget that cops should have other things on their agenda. That’s obvious enough. The point is that the act itself is not a crime.

Dolphins rape -- all the time. They’re beautiful creatures, they’re intelligent, and they rape their females, competing for their brief sexual rites. That’s the status quo in the animal world. And male dolphins sexually assault female humans in their tanks, confronting sole women in packs. This is a well-known fact. And someone should be arrested for touching one?

Yes, I believe in the God-given right of every person to molest dolphins. Maybe it’d be a problem if everyone started doing it -- if it became a popular weekend sport, if teenagers thought it was cool to get drunk and go for a dolphin dive. But on what grounds do you arrest a man for molesting a dolphin. I’m used to freedom of speech not being enforced, but this is ridiculous. This is really offensive stuff.

A lot of people have sexual contact with animals. It’s hardly the rare occurrence we think it is. I have friends who know people who had sex with animals -- including one woman in the military who had four people watch a guard dog pounding away at her nude body after she failed to return from her patrol in time. She was quietly court-martialed, and they killed the dog. What did the dog do? Is this like killing someone, that once the desire’s in an animal, it’s just going to go hunting the countryside looking for human pussies to rape? Damn those packs of human-raping dogs. The rationale was that screwing this guard threw off the animal’s training. So what? Why kill it? And wouldn’t the enemy fear our dogs a little more if they could not only overpower that enemy, immobilizing him with vicious bites, but also mount and rape that person? I don’t think the Iraqis would like that.

This is a fucked-up country -- and a fucked-up world. I’m not repulsed by people having sex with animals. It happens. It’s like picking one’s nose -- it’s not someone one wants to see every day, but it happens. People do it. It’s human nature, or at least not abnormal to human nature. What’s really fucked-up is, again barring ritualization of the practice, that we actually want to legislate this -- or enforce this legislation. Talk about egoism.

Is this an offense to the dolphin that we’re recognizing? How so? And what if it came? What if it develops a human fetish? Would that be any more artificial that a man developing a bondage fetish after his first lover encouraged him to tie her up?

"But that’s so obviously wrong!" Really? Why? Think about it. "Man, that’s some fucked-up shit!" No, that’s some fucked-up shit. You don’t have to be a Christian to think that we usurp the gods when we make such judgments, responding instinctively based on cultural programming rather than logic.

Think about it.

Then think about what else you’re not thinking about.

I’m.

Not.

Kidding.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT THIS WEEK

A search mechanism has been added and is available on the main PersianCaesar page. As always, many small updates have occurred within The Continuity Pages. In particular, the page for Planetary has been significantly updated.

This column is now a week (and a day, actually) early. I hope this makes up for that week I took off. Remember this. I've been good to you.

Your assignment for this week is the same as I said in the last column -- to go to my message board and fuckin' participate. Join the PersianCaesar community -- they're smart people.